


Consequences

by disturbinglynic



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cutting, M/M, Mpreg, Past Abortion, Past Underage Sex, chain-smoking, past underage alcohol abuse, past underage drug use, past underage smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-16
Updated: 2012-02-16
Packaged: 2017-10-31 06:31:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/340996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disturbinglynic/pseuds/disturbinglynic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared met Jensen when he was only sixteen and after one night of passion, Jared finds himself with child. Forced to get rid of it by his parents, Jared's life, which once had a bright future, goes to hell practically overnight. A chance meeting seven years later brings Jensen back into Jared's life, but he's happily in a committed relationship. Jensen makes it his job to help get Jared sober, and an old passion is rekindled. Pregnant with another child Jared knows he has to tell Jensen about the one that they could have had all those years ago. When Jensen finds out the truth, he walks out on Jared. More depressed than ever, but unwilling to hurt his child, he starts abusing himself in ways that he never did with alcohol and cigarettes. When he winds up in the hospital Jensen comes to his aid, but is the past too much to overcome for them to have a happy future?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>   
>    
> 
> 
> Art by [bflyw](http://bflyw.livejournal.com/)

The sun was shining in through the curtains lighting the room enough for Jared to make out the features of the man in bed with him. Jensen was beautiful when he was asleep. Jensen was beautiful anyway, but he was even better like this, when he wasn’t showing off for anyone else, when he wasn’t joking around. He was still and quiet now, his features relaxed. Jared took the opportunity to stare.

 

Jensen’s skin was golden from the sun, a light smattering of freckles adorned his face. His eyelashes were almost feminine, but they suited Jensen. His eyes, closed now, were green and always sparkling. Jared could see why Jensen was a model. Jared could see why Jensen made such a fantastic model. Jared knew that he could spend all day just watching Jensen. He considered himself lucky that he and Jensen had auditioned for the same part. Jared had flown into LA from Texas for this, but Jensen was already in LA for the modeling. They were in a motel room now, the one that Jared was staying in while he was out here. 

 

Jared would be leaving to go back to San Antonio in just a few hours. He was only sixteen. He had to go back to school since he hadn’t gotten the part. Jensen hadn’t gotten the part either, but Jared was pretty sure that what he had gotten with Jensen was so much better than the commercial anyway.

 

It had been Jared’s fist time. It had obviously not been Jensen’s first time, though he hadn’t expected any less. He was sure that once Jensen had found out that he was a virgin, he would have laughed and walked out on Jared. Instead, he had just smiled and kissed him. Jensen had been wonderful. It had been everything that Jared could have hoped for for his first time, as girly as that sounded. 

 

Jared wanted nothing more than to stay right here with Jensen and not go back to San Antonio. Jensen was twenty and had his own apartment. He could crash there for a while, get a job, and just be with Jensen. It was ridiculous to want all of that after just one night, but he couldn’t help himself. It was just wishful thinking anyway. He was going back to San Antonio and who knew if he would ever see Jensen again.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Finally it was time for him to go on break. He’d been on his feet for hours now and he really needed a cigarette. He stepped out back and sat down, lighting up a cigarette. The first inhale was a relief. There was nobody around so he decided to stretch out and lie down. There weren’t enough breaks during his shift. He hated going so fucking long without a cigarette. It was the only thing that kept him feeling normal when he wasn’t drinking. The drinking would come later, after his shift was over.

 

He could hear laughter from around the front of the building. Another group of people for him to wait on. Fan-fucking-tastic. Being a waiter wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but when he got groups of assholes who just got drunk off their asses, he hated it. And he always got groups of assholes who got drunk off their asses. 

 

Jared finished off his cigarette and lit another one. He always needed more than one to get him through his shifts. He was glad it was finally getting cooler out at night. It was nice after running around the restaurant all evening long. He relished his smoke breaks for more than just the cigarette itself. This was his time away from the restaurant. This was his time to himself. Not that he didn’t have plenty of alone time. He had his own apartment, as crappy as it was. He had already done the sharing of apartments, and as soon as he had saved up enough money, he had gotten his own place. He needed the solitude and he couldn’t get that at work. He had to play nice at work. He had to pretend to care about people, the customers at the very least. His coworkers had given up on trying to talk to him about anything that wasn’t work related.

 

Jared sighed and decided to light one more cigarette. He still had time for it, and if he was going to be the one to wait on that laughing group, then he was going to need it. He still had four more hours of this bullshit to deal with. He just wanted to go home and watch some bad TV while he drank himself into oblivion. 

 

Jared finished off his cigarette and got to his feet. With a huge sigh, he made his way back into the restaurant. He checked on the tables he had left with food and made sure everyone was still doing okay, then he made his way over to the large group that of course had been seated in his section. He froze before he got to the table. There was no fucking way that this was possible. He had given up hope so long ago even though, if he admitted the truth, this was the reason he had moved to LA in the first place.

 

He started walking again, and the closer he got to the table, the more sure he was of who was sitting there. He hadn’t seen Jensen in seven years though. Hell, he wondered if Jensen would even remember him. Probably not. Jared had just been another notch in his bed post probably. Though at the time, it had felt like more. Jared had always thought that they had a real connection, but they had only had the one night and then they had to go their separate ways. 

 

He finally made it to the table and was surprised when Jensen’s eyes lit up at the sight of him. Apparently Jensen did remember him. Even after seven years. Jared’s breath caught and there were definitely butterflies in his stomach now. Jensen smiled at him and knees went weak. That smiled haunted his dreams so often. “Hey! It’s Jared, right?”

 

Jared nodded and forced himself to speak. “Jensen, how have you been?”

 

“Can’t complain. What about you?”

 

Jared shrugged and looked around. 

 

“Well give me your number. We should catch up.”

 

Jared had to fight to keep his smile from being too silly. He didn’t want Jensen to think that he was some lovestruck teenage girl. He wrote his number down on his pad and tore it off to hand to Jensen. He took their orders and managed to get back to the kitchen without making a complete ass of himself. Three cigarettes was not going to be enough. Actually, a shot would really be great right about now. Despite his wanting to see Jensen again, even after all of this time, it brought up some painful shit from his past and he wasn’t sure he was ready to deal with any of that right now.

 

He made it through the rest of his shift in a kind of daze. Now that Jensen had appeared, he couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened seven years ago. Not that he ever really stopped thinking about it, but it seemed different somehow now. It was a relief when his shift was over. He was glad that he walked instead of drove. The cool night air might help clear his head. And so would the half dozen or so cigarettes he would smoke on the walk home. 

 

It would have been so easy for Jensen to forget Jared. Sure they had gotten along well at the auditions and afterwards they had had some amazing sex, but that was the end of it for Jensen. That hadn’t been the end of it for Jared. As long as he lived, Jared would never be able to forget Jensen. Not only had Jensen been his first, but Jensen had gotten him pregnant and that was what made it impossible to ever forget Jensen.

 

He wondered if Jensen would even bother calling him. Part of him hoped that Jensen wouldn’t. Jared hadn’t exactly done much with his life in the past seven years. Jared knew what a mess his life had become, and it had started with his one night stand with Jensen. What could he possibly have to tell Jensen?

 

He poured himself a generous drink when he got home and lit another cigarette, sinking down onto the couch. He remembered when he had started drinking and smoking. Hell, back then he had even done drugs. He had really gone off the deep end and he had done it just under seven years ago.

 

About a month after his night with Jensen, he had started feeling funny and throwing up on a regular basis. When it hadn’t gone away he had gotten his mother to take him to the doctor. When the doctor told him he was pregnant, his mother had been furious. She had told his father and he had been even more furious. They had forced him to get an abortion.

 

After the abortion, he had sunk into a deep depression. He had turned to alcohol first, swiping it from his parents' liquor cabinet whenever he could. He started sleeping with anyone that would have him, never bottoming, never wanting to risk pregnancy again because he had managed to get pregnant with Jensen even though they had used a condom. Drinking led to smoking and then smoking led to drugs. 

 

Jared had started failing his classes, and as soon as he had turned eighteen, he had dropped out of school and left home. He moved halfway across the country to LA, part of him hoping that he would find Jensen even though he knew it wasn’t likely. He had found a couple of guys to room with and had even done some things for money that he wasn’t necessarily proud of. After he had finally saved enough money, he had moved into his own place.

 

He had stopped doing drugs, but he couldn’t bring himself to give up the cigarettes or the alcohol. Especially the alcohol. It was the only thing that even came close to dulling the pain. Seven years later and the hurt was still as strong as it was all those years ago.

 

Jared drank until he passed out.

 

*****

 

The ringing of the phone woke him in the morning. He groaned and reached out a hand to grab for it without bothering to open his eyes. 

 

“Hello,” he croaked into the phone.

 

“Jesus. You sound like hell.”

 

Jared shot up, which was a huge mistake because it made the world spin and made his head pound even harder. He let you a groan. “Sorry. Just a little hungover.”

 

Jensen chuckled. “Well if you’re feeling up to it, I thought we could grab lunch later so that we can catch up.”

 

“Yeah, sure. That sounds good. Just let me know when and where.”

 

He wrote down what Jensen said because he didn’t think he’d be able to remember, and he really wasn’t thinking to clearly anyway, and then he fell back onto his pillow, hanging up the phone with Jensen. 

 

Jared felt around on his nightstand for the painkillers he kept there and dry swallowed a few. He scrubbed his hands over his face and then dragged himself out of bed. After a shockingly cold shower, he began to feel a little more human. 

 

It was still fairly early so he still had time before he had to go meet Jensen. He had no idea what he was going to say to him. He couldn’t tell Jensen about the baby and he couldn’t tell Jensen that all he had done in the past seven years was to drink, do drugs, smoke, and drop out of high school. He was a fucking loser and there was no way that Jensen would look twice at him anymore. He didn’t even look anywhere as good as he used to. He always had dark shadows under his eyes and he was too thin and too pale. He tended to skip meals, choosing to smoke instead and he never spent time outdoors unless he had to. There was more of a chance of having to talk to people if he was outside of the safety of his own apartment. 

 

This lunch meeting was just a disaster waiting to happen.

 

*****

 

The little bell above the door rang as he entered the diner. He saw Jensen immediately and headed over before he lost his nerve. He took the seat across from Jensen and smiled. Now that he was sitting here and looking at Jensen, he could see that Jensen was still as gorgeous as ever. Time had certainly been kind to him. Jensen smiled and Jared had to wonder what the fuck he was doing here. He wasn’t in Jensen’s league anymore, not that he had ever been. He had only been some annoying teenager that Jensen had found endearing.

 

“The years have been kind to you,” Jared stated pathetically.

 

Jensen’s smile only grew wider. “And you’re still just as adorable as you were back then.”

 

Jared rolled his eyes. Adorable. Yeah, right. Maybe back then, but not anymore. Jensen just kept smiling at him. 

 

Jensen asked Jared how he liked being a waiter, and they discussed that until their food arrived. That was when Jensen started asking the hard questions.

 

“So how long have you been out here in LA?”

 

“Since I turned eighteen.”

 

“You’ve been out here for five years?”

 

Jared nodded. “And I’ve been working here for nearly just as long. How about you?”

 

Jensen didn’t answer his question. “And I’ve noticed that you’ve taken up smoking as well, and if I’m not mistaken, drinking too.”

 

Jared shrugged. “Things just didn’t work out as great for me as they did for you. You’re still the really hot model and I’m just-“ Jared cut himself off before he could say more. Jensen didn’t need to know what kind of screw up he really was.

 

“You’re just what?”

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Jared replied, shaking his head.

 

Jensen looked at him, those green eyes taking in Jared, roaming over his body before looking him in the eye again. “Well, now that I know you’re here we can start hanging out. You should come over some night and have dinner with me and Chris.”

 

Jared raised his eyebrows. “Chris?”

 

Jensen nodded. “He’s my boyfriend.”

 

Jared managed to keep the smile on his face but his insides knotted up at the mention of Jensen’s boyfriend. There had been a part of Jared that had hoped that he would get to start things with Jensen where they had left off. Now any hope of that was gone. Jared could try becoming Jensen’s friend and seeing where things would take them, but he wouldn’t push Jensen to cheat. He wasn’t that much of a dick.

 

Jared swallowed hard. “Sure. Sounds good.”

 

“When’s your next night off?”

 

“Tomorrow night, actually.”

 

Jensen grabbed the receipts and the pen that the waitress had left and wrote his address on the back of one. “Come over tomorrow night, say around seven?”

 

Jared took the offered receipt and nodded. “Should I bring anything?”

 

Jensen winked at him. “Nope. Just bring your adorable little self.” With that, Jensen got up and walked out leaving Jared at the table, blushing even though he was rolling his eyes. Now it looked like he was stuck having dinner with Jensen and his boyfriend, Chris, tomorrow night. He let out a sigh and got up from the table. Looked like he would be drowning his sorrows in alcohol again tonight.

 

*****

 

Jared had probably gone through half a pack of cigarettes just on his way over to Jensen’s. He was nervous as fuck about having dinner with Jensen and the boyfriend. Jared was pretty sure that this was a disaster in the making, and yet here he was, standing on their front porch - because they had a fucking house together - finger hovering over the doorbell. He wasn’t getting any braver just standing outside their front door, so he gave himself a mental shake and pushed in the doorbell. He could hear a dog barking in the house and a man’s voice that he didn’t recognize yelling at the dog to stop barking.

 

Jensen threw open the door and beamed at Jared. Jared’s jaw dropped and he immediately snapped it close. Jensen was wearing glasses and a worn pair of jeans with a ratty tee. He looked comfortable and he looked even more gorgeous than he did in all those photographs that Jared had ever seen of him. “Come on in, Jared!”

 

Jared smiled and walked past Jensen into the house. “Jeez kid, did you smoke a whole carton before you got here?” Jared turned to find Jensen waving a hand in front of his face, a sour look on his face.

 

Jared looked at him sheepishly. “Sorry. I don’t have any cologne or anything with me.”

 

“The least you can do is go wash your hands. Bathroom is just down there,” Jensen said gesturing down the hallway. Jared found the bathroom and locked himself in. He scrubbed a hand over his face and scowled at his reflection. The evening was off to a great start already. He turned the water on and lathered up, scrubbing his hands until they were raw. Now he really wished that he had some cologne or something to spray on himself so he didn’t smell so much like smoke. He was so used to the smell that it wasn’t something he ever noticed, but of course Jensen would. Jensen was perfect. He wouldn’t smoke. 

 

Jared took as long as he thought he could get away with in the bathroom before finally unlocking the door and walking out. He followed his nose to the kitchen where he found Jensen in the arms of a man, Chris, he assumed, smiling as Chris kissed his cheek. Chris noticed him first and smiled at him. “You must be Jared.” He disentangled himself from Jensen and walked over to Jared, holding out his hand. Jared took it and they shook. “And you must be Chris.”

 

Jensen walked over to the both of them and slung an arm around Jared. “Ready for dinner?” Jared shrugged but let Jensen lead him to the table. The table was filled with food. Jared wasn’t sure he could eat that much. It smelled delicious though. Jared wasn’t much of a cook so he ate a lot at his restaurant. He had kind of missed having home cooked meals.

 

Jared spared a brief moment to wonder where the dog was. He didn’t see it so Chris must have either put him outside or locked him into one of the rooms so that they could eat in peace. Jared didn’t mind. He liked animals but he didn’t feel like dealing with a dog at the moment.

 

Jensen set a glass of water down in front of him and when Jared looked up, Jensen had a look of determination that quickly turned into a smile when he saw that Jared was looking at him. If he had to wager a guess, it would seem that Jensen was determined to get him back on track, though he couldn’t understand why. It’s not as if they really knew each other that well. Just because they shared one night of passion didn’t mean that Jared was somehow Jensen’s responsibility. Jared also couldn’t say why he knew that Jensen wanted to fix him. Maybe it was the way that Jensen had looked at him yesterday during lunch, or the way Jensen had just looked at him. Either way, he was sure that he was right.

 

Jared figured that if anyone could get him to stop drinking and smoking then it would be Jensen. But he also figured that it wasn’t going to happen, and even if it did, Jared was going to put up one hell of a fight. He liked smoking and he liked drinking himself into oblivion. And on rare nights he enjoyed fucking himself into oblivion too. He would pick random men up at the restaurant and sometimes he would even pick up prostitutes. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t as if he was looking for anything special, and even if he had been, he was kind of already shit out of luck.

 

Dinner would have been quiet if Jensen and Chris hadn’t kept up the conversation. They both asked him questions, which he answered in as few words as possible. He couldn’t believe he had given up a night of drinking for this. It was still early though. Maybe he would go to a club and pick up some stranger, fuck him raw while he pictured Jensen with the glasses and the worn clothes. It sounded like a good enough plan to him.

 

It was like Jensen had read his mind though. After dessert he suggested they put in a movie and just hang out together. When Jared tried to get out of it, Jensen insisted, and really, he couldn’t say no to Jensen. Hell, if Jensen turned on the charm looking the way he did then Jared was pretty sure he would agree to anything. Well, almost anything. 

 

Jared couldn’t sit still though. He was in desperate need of a cigarette but he was sure that if he tried to walk outside to light one up then Jensen would find some way to keep him in the house. So Jared sat, growing more irritated by the second. Jensen finally noticed that something was wrong.

 

“What’s the matter with you?”

 

“I want a fucking cigarette,” Jared growled. Jensen shook his head. “No. You don’t need a cigarette.”

 

“How the fuck would you know? Have you ever smoked?” He was irritated and he was taking it out on Jensen. He should feel bad about that but he really didn’t give a shit right now. He just wanted a cigarette.

 

Jensen got up and walked into the kitchen, rummaging around in the cupboard. He came back and tossed something into Jared’s lap. It was a lollipop. Jared looked up at Jensen and scowled. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?”

 

Jensen smirked. “You suck on it.”

 

Jared glared at him but unwrapped the lollipop anyway because damn he needed something, anything, even if he’d rather have a cigarette. After a few minutes he could definitely say that he preferred a cigarette, but the lollipop wasn’t really that bad. It didn’t ease his crankiness though. He really fucking wanted a cigarette, but if Jensen was going to be all high and mighty and not let him, then he supposed he could deal with just the lollipop. As soon as he left here he would probably smoke the other half of that pack.

 

The movie finished and Jared got off the couch, stretching and yawning. “Thanks for having me over guys, but I should really get going now.”

 

Jensen looked like he wanted to protest, but thankfully he kept his mouth shut. Jared said goodnight to both Chris and Jensen at the door, since they had both insisted on walking him to it, and headed out. As soon as the door shut behind him he pulled out a cigarette and lit it, sighing in relief at the first drag. Despite Jensen having insisted he stay over for the movie, it was still fairly early so Jared headed to the nearest gay bar to hook up with someone.

 

Once inside the bar, he found someone almost instantly and dragged him back to the bathrooms. In one of the small stalls of the bathroom he fucked the guy with rough thrusts, picturing the way that Jensen had looked at dinner. He came hard, as did his partner, tossed the condom and walked out without another word to the guy.

 

Back inside his apartment he went straight for his booze, not even bothering to pour it into a glass. He took the bottle into bed with him and imagined all the ways that his life could have gone right, all of them including Jensen _and_ the baby. 

 

*****

 

His head was pounding in the morning and it matched the pounding at his door. He groaned and dragged himself out of bed wondering who the fuck would be visiting him. It’s not like he had any friends or anything. He was shocked to find Jensen standing at his door. “What do you want?” He was angry at having been woken up so damned early and he was taking it out on Jensen.

 

“Get dressed. I’m taking you out to breakfast.”

 

Jared scowled at him but did what he was asked. At least it didn’t appear that Chris would be at breakfast with them, so maybe this wasn’t so bad. He grabbed some clothes and then shuffled into the bathroom. He took a piss and then splashed cold water on his face before finally brushing his teeth. He tamed his hair the best he could and then changed into the fresh clothes. He still felt like hell when he stepped out of the bathroom but at least he was more awake now and probably wouldn’t scare anyone off.

 

“Great. Let’s go.”

 

Jared followed Jensen out of the apartment and couldn’t help wondering what the hell this was all about. It seemed that every time he opened his mouth around Jensen though, he was short, so he decided to just keep his mouth shut and wait to find out what the hell was going on. 

 

They made it to a diner and Jensen held the door open for him. He was assaulted with the smell of bacon, mostly. His stomach growled despite the fact that he still felt kind of queasy. He hoped his stomach would take the food because that was all he needed- to puke up his breakfast in front of Jensen. Jensen would surely not want to be his friend after that. 

 

They were seated quickly and Jared ordered a small breakfast of just bacon and eggs and toast. He wasn’t really sure about the eggs though. Those might be a mistake, but he really hoped that they weren’t. His coffee came out almost immediately and he was grateful for that. He was going to need it if he was going to get through this breakfast with Jensen. 

 

When he felt like he could ask it calmly, he finally spoke up. “So what’s this about?”

 

“I want to talk to you about your… habits.” Jensen was looking him in the eye but the hands gripping his coffee mug where white from gripping too tightly. “I want to talk about the smoking and the drinking.”

 

“Why? What does it matter? Why do you even care?”

 

Jensen put his coffee mug down. “We had a connection Jared, and just because I’m with someone else now doesn’t mean we can’t still have a friendship. I don’t want to see you throw away your life.”

 

Jared snorted. “It’s a little too late for that.”

 

“Jared, what happened?”

 

“Look, something bad happened to me and it fucked up my life completely. I started smoking and drinking and even did drugs.”

 

Jensen’s eyes widened.

 

“Don’t worry. I don’t do drugs anymore.”

 

“What was it that could have possibly screwed up your life so much?”

 

Jared shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. As soon as I could, I took off. If I never see my parents again, I’ll be a very happy person.”

 

“Jared, when you say you took off… did you even finish school?”

 

Jared looked away and didn’t answer. He was a complete failure. His life was a complete failure. He would never be good enough for Jensen. He would never be good enough for anyone.

 

“Have you ever considered getting your GED?”

 

Jared shrugged. “What would be the point?”

 

“The point would be to get your life back on track. It’s not too late to make something of yourself. Don’t you want something better than what you have now?”

 

Jared glared at Jensen. “I’m perfectly fine the way I am.”

 

Jensen snorted. “You keep telling yourself that, kid. You keep up the way you are and you’re gonna wind up in the gutter.”

 

Jared was only growing angrier now. How dare Jensen come into his life and start judging him like he was better than him. “You don’t even know anything about me!”

 

“I know enough.”

 

Jared snorted and thankfully the food arrived at their table. Jared dug in, Jensen’s eyes watching him. Finally Jensen focused on his own food and Jared felt himself breathe a little easier. The meal was silent. He supposed Jensen was done bugging him for the moment, but he knew that wouldn’t last forever. He didn’t want to hear what Jensen had to say. Jared may not be happy with his life, but there was nothing else for him. He had already come to terms with how miserable his life was, and hey, if it ended early from cancer or alcohol poisoning, then fan-fucking-tastic.

 

When they had finished breakfast, Jensen paid for their food and they left. Jensen didn’t say a word the whole way back to Jared’s apartment. Jensen walked him to his door. “Jared, I still think we should talk further about this.”

 

“No, Jensen. I’m done talking about this. Maybe we shouldn’t be friends either, at least not if you’re going to keep pushing this on me.” Jared flinched at the look of hurt in Jensen’s eyes, but he didn’t apologize for what he had said.

 

“Well, if that’s how you feel then.” Jensen’s voice was barely above a whisper. He turned around and walked away from Jared, walking out of his life once again. This time it wasn’t circumstances though, it was Jared’s own choice. He had pushed Jensen out of his life even though he wanted Jensen in his life. He had pushed Jensen out of his life rather than tell him the truth about their past, rather than tell Jensen the real reason that he was so fucked up. 

 

Jared had to be at work later but he went straight for the liquor anyway.

 

*****

By the time Jared made his way to the restaurant for his shift he was trashed. He was more than trashed. He wasn’t even sure how he was walking. He wondered if he could get away with this at work. That would be something else. He didn’t think it would happen though. He was kind of really fucked up. Actually, Jared didn’t think he’d been this fucked up since right after the abortion. 

 

He stumbled into the restaurant and unfortunately right into his manager. “Steve!!!! ‘Sup?” Jared giggled manically. 

 

Steve yanked him out of the restaurant and glared at him. At least Jared was pretty sure that Steve was glaring. He couldn’t really see straight and Steve was kinda blurry. “Jared, just what do you think you’re doing showing up for work drunk beyond the capacity to hold yourself upright?”

 

Jared snorted. “Can hold myself upright just fine,” he mumbled.

 

Steve sighed. “Jared, you know we can’t tolerate this. I think you should go home, and you won’t be coming back.”

 

Jared forced himself to focus on Steve. “You firing me?”

 

“Yes, Jared. Now go home.” Steve walked back into the restaurant and left Jared standing there by himself. 

 

Slowly, Jared began to make his way back home. Now what the fuck was he going to do? Jared let out a sigh. Tomorrow morning he was going to have to start looking around for another job, probably as a waiter still. If people found out that he had gotten fired from this job for being drunk though, then he was screwed.

 

Jared nearly stumbled over Jensen when he got back to his apartment. “What are ya doin’ here?”

 

“I was going to sit here and wait until you got home. I felt bad about the way things went this morning. Are you drunk?”

 

“Pssh.” Jared waved him off.

 

Jensen let out a sigh and grabbed Jared’s keys from him. He opened the door and shoved Jared through it. Jared stumbled but managed to stay on his feet. “You tryin’ to trip me?”

 

“Sure, why not? Maybe a good knock to the head is what you need.”

 

Jared snorted. “Yeah. That’s it.” 

 

Jensen led him to the nearest chair and sat him down in it. He left Jared and Jared toed off his sneakers and leaned back against the chair, closing his eyes. He heard Jensen walk back into the room and felt a glass being pushed into his hand. Jared opened his eyes and looked down to see a glass of water. He drank it down gratefully.

 

“Jared, Chris and I were talking, and I was wondering if you’d like to move in with us.”

 

“Yeah. Sure. And then you’ll take all of my fun away. If I come live with you I won’t be able to drink or smoke.”

 

“That’s true, but even if you don’t move in with us I’m going to pester you.”

 

“Pretty sure I told you we shouldn’t be friends.”

 

“I know what you said. I don’t care. I want to help you.”

 

“Don’t want help.”

 

Jensen pulled Jared off the chair and shoved him in the direction of the bedroom. He pushed him down onto the bed. Jared sank into the bed happily, not caring that he was still dressed or that he was over the covers. 

 

“I’ll be here after you sleep this off.”

 

Jared grunted and fell asleep.

 

*****

 

His head was pounding again. Really, this was something that he was used to. What he wasn’t used to was waking up with somebody glaring down at him. “What the fuck are you still doing here?”

 

“I told you I would be here when you woke up.”

 

Jared groaned and rolled over. He didn’t have the energy to deal with Jensen right now, but Jensen wasn’t having any of it. Jensen shook him, none to gently. “Get your ass out of bed and get showered.”

 

“Who the fuck do you think you are? I don’t have to listen to this.”

 

Jensen dragged him out of bed though and let him drop down to the floor. If Jared was feeling better he would have gotten off the floor and hit Jensen. He wasn’t feeling well though, so he just braced himself on his bed and forced himself into a standing position. He glared at Jensen and headed for the bathroom to shower, but not because Jensen wanted him to.

 

He let the hot water ease his muscles and stayed under the spray until the hot water was gone. He took his time going through the rest of his morning routine. He knew Jensen would still be out there so he planned on making him wait. Who the hell did Jensen think he was coming over here and demanding he sober up. They hadn’t even seen each other in seven years. It was completely ridiculous.

 

When he walked out of the bathroom Jensen was standing there waiting for him, arms crossed over his chest. 

 

Jared let out a sigh. “Still here are you?”

 

“Let’s get some food in you, kid.”

 

“Not hungry.”

 

“I don’t care. You’re eating anyway and I imagine you don’t have anything in this shithole to eat, so let me take you out.”

 

“Nobody is forcing you to be here in this shithole, so why don’t you just go away and leave me here to be by myself, okay?”

 

For what Jared assumed was not the last time, Jensen was dragging him again, this time out of the apartment, leading Jared to the nearest diner for food. He shoved Jared into a seat and sat across from him. This was only their second breakfast together but Jared was already getting sick of it. Or at least he was getting sick of Jensen’s attitude, though part of his brain was telling him that his own attitude was a lot worse. He ignored it though. He’d rather focus on how irritating Jensen was being.

 

It wasn’t as if he didn’t know that Jensen was just trying to help him, but Jared just didn’t want the help. What was the point if in the end he wouldn’t get the man he wanted anyway.

 

They didn’t talk until their orders had been placed and Jared was greedily drinking his coffee. Jared wasn’t the one who started the conversation. He didn’t want to be here and he didn’t want to hear whatever it was that Jensen had to say.

 

“Jared, I still think it would be a good idea if you moved in with me and Chris, at least until we can get you back on your feet.”

 

Jared rolled his eyes. “I’m not planning on giving up the smoking or drinking anytime soon so why are you still bothering?”

 

“Because I remember how you were when we first met. You were so bright and full of life. I just want that for you again.” Jensen had been sincere in what he said, and it made Jared think twice about the help he was being offered. “I don’t want to impose on you and Chris.”

 

“You wouldn’t be imposing. He’s agreed to help with this.”

 

“Why? He doesn’t even know me. You hardly even know me.”

 

“It doesn’t matter. We got along once and you need help now. Let us help you.”

 

Their food arrived, saving Jared the trouble of answering. He didn’t know how he felt about living with Jensen and Chris. He could live without hearing the two of them every night, doing what he and Jensen had once done, something he would never get to experience again. And yet, there was so much sincerity in Jensen’s eyes, and pleading as well. It seemed that Jensen somehow felt that he was responsible for Jared now despite the fact that Jared was twenty-three and not sixteen.

 

Would it really be so bad though? He’d been on his own for so long though, and even though he liked his space, he would get to be around Jensen, even if he couldn’t be around Jensen the way that he wanted to be.

 

“You’re not going to try and give me a curfew or anything, are you?”

 

Jensen chuckled. “Wouldn’t dream of it. You are twenty-three after all. There will be rules about the smoking and the drinking though.”

 

“Am I going to have to quit cold turkey?”

 

“No.”

 

So why the hell not? What did Jared have to lose? Jensen was the one person that he had been hoping to run into in his five years here, so why not take him up on this offer? If anything he would get a friend out of this whole thing. Besides, he knew it was time to finally give up the alcohol and the cigarettes. He knew this, he really did. He had just lost his fucking job because he had been so fucking drunk. Who knew if he would be able to get another job now, and even if he did, who was to say that he wasn’t going to get fired from that one too because he showed up drunk one night.

 

“Why the fuck not.”

 

Jensen scowled at him. “There’s the positive attitude I was looking for.”

 

“Look, you got me to agree to live with you guys and to try this, what the fuck more do you want from me?”

 

Jensen sighed. “Fine. Let’s go back to your place and pack your things up.”

 

Jared followed Jensen out of the diner and honestly wondered what the fuck he had just gotten himself into.


	3. Chapter 3

  
The sun was shining brightly through the windows. It was probably already well into the afternoon. Late nights at the restaurant did that to him. At least now when he woke up in the morning, or in the afternoon, he wasn’t completely miserable. And by miserable he meant hungover. 

 

It had been a year since he had moved in with Jensen and Chris. His progress had been slow, but they had been patient with him. Mostly Jensen had been patient with him. Chris had been at first, but as Jared stayed with them longer and as Jensen spent more of his time with Jared, Chris had become very unhappy, and rightfully so. Even Jared had noticed how much time Jensen was spending with him rather than Chris. 

 

Even though it was what he had wanted, he had brought up the issue with Jensen because he really didn’t want to be that much of an asshole, and Chris was a decent guy. He didn’t deserve to be treated the way Jensen had been treating him. Jensen had just shrugged it off though, and Jared hadn’t bothered bringing it up since then.

 

That’s why he wasn’t really surprised to hear raised voices from down the hallway. They were arguing about Jared. Again. 

 

Jared had definitely overstayed his welcome. He was clean now and it was time for him to move out and get on with his life. He groaned and got out of bed, heading for the shower. He turned the water as hot as he could stand and sighed as he stood under the spray.

 

Detoxing had been one of the worst things he had ever experienced, and he definitely couldn’t imagine going through anything so horrifying again. It was something he would never wish upon his worst enemy.

 

Things were better for him now though. He felt good, he felt strong. He was stronger, actually. He had taken to lifting weights to get through some of the tougher periods, when he wanted nothing more than to take a drink. He was a lot more built now than he used to be. 

 

He could think more clearly too. Now that he wasn’t always in a fog because of the alcohol, now that he wasn’t damaging his brain. He hadn’t felt this good in years. Hell, he wasn’t sure he had ever felt this good.

 

When he got out of the shower, Jensen and Chris were still arguing. Jared actually worried a bit. They had never argued for this long before, at least not that he knew about. He dried off, brushed his teeth, put some clothes on, and they still hadn’t finished arguing. He was hungry but he didn’t want to go out there and interrupt them. He didn’t really want to sit here and listen to them argue either.

 

He paced his room, trying to decide what to do, when finally the arguing stopped. The front door slammed shut shortly after. Jared walked out of his room and slipped quietly down the hall. Jensen was sitting at the kitchen table with his head bowed over.

 

Jared didn’t say anything. He just walked up to Jensen, placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. Jensen didn’t lift his head but he did place his own hand over Jared’s. Without thinking about what he was doing, he leaned down and kissed Jensen’s cheek before removing his hand and going to get himself some food.

 

“You don’t work tonight, right?”

 

“Sure don’t.”

 

“Okay. It’s just you and me for dinner tonight.”

 

Jared froze in front of the refrigerator. He swallowed hard. “Is he coming back?” he whispered.

 

“No.”

 

Jared slammed the fridge door shut. “Damn. I’m too late.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“I was just thinking that I needed to leave and find my own place, that I needed to give you guys your privacy back.”

 

Jensen got up from the table and wrapped his arms around Jared. “I would have never let you go so it doesn’t matter.”

 

“Jensen, I cost you your relationship. I never wanted to do that.”

 

Jensen snorted. “You wouldn’t have done it on purpose, but are you really telling me this isn’t exactly what you wanted?”

 

Jared pushed Jensen away. “Are you even upset about this? Do you even care that Chris just walked out on you?”

 

“I was happy with Chris, I really was, but then you came back into my life. I wasn’t fair to Chris and I feel terrible about that, but there isn’t any way I can fix that now.”

 

Jared didn’t answer. He grabbed his food and headed back to his room, shutting his door behind him. He sat down on his bed and let out a sigh. It _was_ everything that he wanted, but he didn’t want it like this. Especially not after the past year. He had changed. He was more like the guy Jensen had met eight years ago. Just older and maybe even a little wiser. He wasn’t angry the way he had been when he had been drinking.

 

There were all good things, but it meant that he couldn’t just hook up with Jensen now, not like this. Jensen needed time and so did Jared, at least if he wanted to keep from feeling too guilty. 

 

Jared decided to keep to his room for the day until dinner. Jensen needed the time to think.

 

*****

 

“You hid out in your room all day. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that you didn’t like me.”

 

“I wanted to give you your space. You need time to think.”

 

Jensen nodded. “I called Chris. He didn’t really want to talk to me but I only called to apologize to him anyway. He deserved at least that. You were right.”

 

“Well good. At least you did that.”

 

“He said he forgives me. He had hoped we could work things out, but he knew as soon as I met you in the restaurant that night that you hadn’t left my heart.”

 

“We hardly knew each other.”

 

“I know, but I never stopped thinking about you.”

 

Jared didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Jensen either, though for different reasons. If he hadn’t become pregnant, he wondered if he would have still thought of Jensen all the time, if he would have wondered what could have been. He probably would have. That night with Jensen had been pretty unforgettable. 

 

“I don’t want to rush into things.”

 

“Okay. We’ll take things your pace.”

 

“Just like that?”

 

Jensen shrugged. “I’ve been waiting a long time for you. Wasn’t sure I would ever get you back, even after I found you in that restaurant. I know you’re not going anywhere now. I can wait.”

 

*****

 

Jensen was true to his word and they were taking things at Jared’s pace. Not that Jared wanted to go at a snail’s pace or anything, but he wanted to make sure that he was the only person Jensen was thinking of. Not that he even really doubted that. Jensen had taken him into his home, and Jared had seen what it had done to his relationship with Chris.

 

So he and Jensen dated for a few weeks, never doing anything more than kissing. Jared was starting to get antsy though and he knew that Jensen was also.

 

They had just finished dinner and were on their way back home. Jared linked his fingers through Jensen’s, glad they had picked a place they could easily walk to. The night air was cool and fresh, and there wasn’t a cloud in sight. When they stopped at a corner Jared leaned in and kissed Jensen. It was sweet, tongues just barely touching, and it held the promise of something more. 

 

Jensen squeezed his hand and smiled at him. They crossed the street and finished their walk home, footsteps falling more quickly this time. 

 

As soon as the door was locked behind them Jensen had him pressed against it, mouth devouring his, hands roaming his body, finding their way under his shirt to bare skin. Jensen’s mouth left his and started leaving open mouthed kisses along his neck.

 

“Bedroom,” Jared growled. Jensen yanked him away from the door and they shed their clothes as they made their way to Jensen’s bedroom. Falling into bed with Jensen had been just as easy as it had been eight years ago.

 

Jensen was still as beautiful as he had been eight years ago. He was still all golden skin, green eyes, and freckles. The only difference now was just a few laugh line wrinkles and though he was still in great shape, he wasn’t quite as hard as he had been. It just made him even more beautiful though. And he was all Jared’s to touch, to look at, to kiss, and to lose himself in.

 

*****

Jared rolled over, not quite awake yet, and felt the nausea roll through him. He hurried out of bed and ran for the bathroom. He remembered doing this a little more than eight years ago. He remembered what this was like. He just hoped that Jensen would react better than his family had.

 

“You okay, Jared?”

 

Speak of the devil. Jared figured that he should get this out as quickly as possible, just get over it. “I think I’m pregnant.”

 

“Pregnant? What makes you say that?”

 

What indeed. He couldn’t tell Jensen just yet about what had happened more than eight years ago. “I’ve just been feeling a bit off lately, and now I’m throwing up. Seems pretty suspicious to me.”

 

“We’ll take you to the doctor and see for sure, okay?”

 

Jared nodded. “If I am pregnant, are you okay with that?”

 

Jensen sat on the floor next to him and wrapped his arms around him. “If you are pregnant, then I don’t think I could possibly be any happier.”

 

“Yeah?” Jared hated how broken his voice sounded, but after everything that he’d been through he wasn’t sure he could believe that Jensen would be happy.

 

“Absolutely. I’ve always wanted a family. And I’ve been in love with your for over eight years now.

 

Jared grabbed a piece of toilet paper and wiped his mouth before looking at Jensen, eyes wide. “You’ve never said that before.”

 

“I know, and I should have said it sooner, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”

 

“I love you too, you know that, right?”

 

“I do, but thanks for telling me.” Jensen leaned in and pressed a kiss to his temple. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up and then to a doctor.”

 

Jared nodded and let Jensen help him up and to the sink. He brushed his teeth and then let Jensen steer him towards the shower. Jared didn’t talk. He couldn’t. The knot of worry inside of him was so overwhelming. He tried to tell himself that this wouldn’t be like it had been the first time. Jensen loved him and wanted to have this baby with him. He wasn’t like Jared’s parents. He wasn’t going to be forced into getting rid of this baby if he didn’t want to.

 

*****

 

After a trip to the doctor’s office, it was confirmed that Jared was in fact pregnant. Jensen was ecstatic. He was walking around the kitchen, fixing them lunch and talking incessantly about converting the room that Jared had been staying in into a nursery and what colors they should be and on names he liked depending on if it was a girl or a boy. He went on and on and on, and the more that Jensen talked, the bigger the knot of worry grew. He was going to have to tell Jensen about the baby that they could have already had. 

 

Jared knew this was something he should have already told Jensen, but it felt like there had never really been a good time to tell him. And now Jared was going to have to tell him no matter what. 

 

“Jensen, I need to talk to you.”

 

Jensen stopped talking about how to make their home more child friendly and looked at Jared. “Sounds serious. Is this about the baby? Are you having second thoughts?”

 

“Jensen, please just sit down. I’m not having second thoughts about the baby, but there is something that I need to talk to you about.”

 

Jensen nodded and sat down at the table across from Jared. “I’m all ears.”

 

Jensen was sitting across the table from him, waiting patiently. Jared kept fidgeting. He didn’t want to do this but he knew that he needed to. He gulped down an entire glass of water and still felt parched. Jared was taking his time but Jensen wasn’t rushing him. Jensen wouldn’t do that to him.

 

“You’re not gonna like hearing this.”

 

“Jared, you can tell me anything. You should know that by now.”

 

Jared nodded. “It’s about the first time we got together.”

 

“When you were sixteen?”

 

“Yeah. Except it’s more about what happened afterwards. You kind of left me with a little surprise.”

 

Jensen’s eyes widened. “Don’t tell me you got pregnant?”

 

Jared nodded.

 

“Well where is our child? Why would you hide something like that for all the time we’ve been talking again?”

 

“Jensen, my parents forced me to get an abortion.”

 

Jensen went from excited to furious, about the same amount of furious his parents had been when they had forced him to get the abortion. Jared instinctively backed away from him. “Jensen, I didn’t have any choice.”

 

“Of course you did. Did you even bother trying to find me to tell me about it?”

 

“How can you blame me for that? It’s not like we exchanged phone numbers or anything.”

 

Jensen slammed his hands down on the table and Jared flinched, backing away even further. “You could have found me if you had wanted to. It wouldn’t have been hard. You knew my name and you knew where you could find me. Damn it, Jared. You should have come to me. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted this child? That maybe I would have wanted to start a family with you?”

 

Instead of raising his voice like Jensen had, he kept a calm, even tone. “You forget that I was only sixteen and was still living with my parents. You have no idea what happened, you have no idea the circumstances. Don’t you dare blame this on me. What makes you think that I didn’t want to keep that child? You’ve been wondering what has changed to make me want to drink and smoke and do drugs. You have your answer.”

 

Jensen looked as if he might soften and actually listen to Jared, but that moment was gone in an instant. His face hardened and he glared at Jared. “There’s no excuse for what you’ve done. I want you out of this house.” With that Jensen turned and left, leaving Jared sitting near the table, tears streaming silently down his face and wondering how things had gotten so complicated again.

 

*****

 

He really wanted a drink. He wanted to drink himself into oblivion and forget about this ache inside of him, the heartbreak that threatened to destroy him. Happily ever after was a joke. 

 

He couldn’t drink though, and not because he was more than a year sober. He had no problem destroying his own life, but he couldn’t harm the one that was growing inside of him, not after his first had been forcibly removed from him.

 

He didn’t want to get out of bed either, but he had to work. He needed money for the baby and for this tiny room that dared to call itself an apartment. Jensen had said he would help support him and the baby, but Jared wasn’t counting on that. As far as he was concerned, he was on his own.

 

He dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, standing under the spray of hot water far longer than he needed to. It felt good and helped to ease some of his aching muscles. He washed himself quickly when the water began to cool and then barely toweled off when he stepped out.

 

He stood in front of the sink, still dripping, staring at a fogged mirror. Sighing, he reached out for his toothbrush. He brushed his teeth as the mirror cleared, noticing that it was time for him to shave.

 

He was nearly done shaving when he nicked himself. He watched in the mirror as blood oozed from the cut. It was worse than usual and it stung. He stood there, entranced, for more than a couple of minutes before finally shaking himself out of it. He got dressed, plastered on a smile, and headed to work.

 

*****

 

Jared was dead on his feet. His shift had been busy and full of assholes. His exhaustion was replaced by loneliness and despair when he walked into his tiny apartment. He laid down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. 

 

At work, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the nick from shaving, which was strange. He couldn’t quite pinpoint why he was so obsessed with it. It didn’t matter. He needed to get ready for bed. He needed his sleep.

 

With a sigh, he dragged himself off the bed again and into the bathroom. He shucked off his clothes and stood in front of his sink. Without really thinking about it, he opened up the medicine cabinet and pulled out the straight edge he kept in there. Still unsure of what he was doing and why, he slashed open a line on his thigh.

 

Pain was the first thing he registered. More than he anticipated because he had cut deeper than he had intended, despite not having been really sure of what he had been doing. But that pain was good. He liked how it felt, he liked how it made him feel. It was a high like he had never experienced before. This was the type of pain that he could deal with. This didn’t leave an empty ache inside of him. This was so much better than the drinking or the smoking or even the drugs. And this wouldn’t hurt his unborn child. 

 

He watched the blood trickle down his thigh and smiled, the first real smile since Jensen had broken his heart in two.


	4. Chapter 4

The cutting had been a sweet release for him, a way for him to feel in control. If he was forced to admit it, then yeah, he would say he could probably add another addiction to the list, but at least he wasn’t hurting his child. 

 

Jared ran a hand over his protruding belly. He was seven months along now. Which meant that he had now been alone for six months. Six miserable months and not one word from Jensen. He hadn’t even been around to go to doctor’s visits with Jared. 

 

Jared was terrified. He didn’t want to go through the birth on his own. He didn’t want to raise this baby on his own. Jared grabbed the razor and sliced his thigh, letting the pain fill him up, take him over. He gladly gave himself over to it.

 

*****

 

Work wasn’t really busy but Jared was feeling exhausted. He was hot and sweating, and he felt like maybe he was coming down with something. He headed back to find his manager to see if he could go home when the world swam around him and then faded away.

 

*****

 

His eyelids fluttered as he struggled to open them. There were beeping noises and hushed talking. 

 

“Jared,” he heard. He knew that voice. He hadn’t thought he would ever get to hear that voice again. “Jensen? What happened?”

 

Jared opened his eyes and Jensen’s face came into view. 

 

“You’re in the hospital.”

 

“Why? And what are you doing here?”

 

“I’m still your emergency contact. A cut of yours got seriously infected. You fainted at work and now you’re here.”

 

The tone of Jensen’s voice and the look on his face led Jared to believe that Jensen knew that Jared had been cutting himself. 

 

“The baby?” he asked, ignoring the way Jensen was looking at him.

 

“The baby is fine, and you’re damn lucky about that.”

 

Jared nodded and looked away from Jensen. Here he had thought he had found something that wouldn’t hurt their child, and yet he had still managed to put him in danger. Tears started streaming down Jared’s face. He felt the bed dip with the weight of Jensen sitting next to him.

 

“I can’t say that I’m not disappointed or angry about what you did, because I definitely am. But I also realized how much of an idiot I’ve been and how much I still want you in my life. I want the three of us to be a family. If you’ll give me another chance.”

 

Jared let out a sigh. “It’s not that I don’t want to try, and it’s not that I don’t want you in my life again, but you know we can’t just go back to the way things were.”

 

“I know. I want you to move back into the house though. You can sleep in the spare bedroom if you want, though you’re welcome back in my bed, just to sleep, of course.”

 

“That’s fine, but I just can’t do this now.”

 

“Okay. I’ll just sit here and leave you alone. If you need to talk though.”

 

“I know. Thanks.” Jared let himself drift off to sleep.

 

*****

 

Jensen was still there when Jared woke up again, napping in his chair. Jared took the opportunity to look over him. He looked exhausted and like he had lost weight. It was the worst Jared had ever seen him. It looked like their months apart hadn’t been easy for Jensen either. That made Jared feel a bit better, knowing that Jensen had been suffering.

 

Jensen shifted under Jared’s gaze and then opened his eyes. “How are you feeling, Jared.”

 

Jared shrugged. “I’m okay. You look like hell.”

 

Jensen nodded. “Yeah, I’ve kind of been miserable.”

 

“Then why didn’t you come see me sooner?”

 

“Because I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. I was so very angry. But I started realizing that I really didn’t have the right to be angry. If you say there was nothing you could do, then I believe you. Then I found out you were here and they wouldn’t tell me what was wrong on the phone. I was so scared at the thought of losing you and the baby.” Jensen broke off with a choked sob.

 

“What happens if you find out something else that you don’t like? Are you going to kick me out again?”

 

Jensen leaned forward and took Jared’s hand in his. “No. I was an idiot and I know I was an idiot. We’ll work things out. I won’t hurt you like that again, but Jared, you can’t hurt yourself anymore either.”

 

Jared looked away from Jensen. He wasn’t ready to talk about this.

 

“We don’t have to discuss this now, that’s fine. The doctor wants you to go to counseling though, and I think it’s a good idea. I’ll go with you if you want.”

 

Jared sighed. “Yeah. Okay.” 

 

Jensen didn’t say anything else, seeming to understand that Jared didn’t want to talk any longer.

 

*****

 

Jared had been back at Jensen’s place for about a week now and things were awkward. Jensen was trying and Jared was trying to forget that Jensen had kicked him out. 

 

Jensen was taking really good care of him. He was also around him constantly, trying to make sure that Jared didn’t take a razor to himself anymore, or to do anything else just as destructive, or even more destructive.

 

It was sweet, but just a bit stifling. Jared wasn’t about to try anything. Especially now that he knew he could put their baby in danger. It wasn’t worth the risk. It was the only thing keeping him in line though. Jensen hovering over him did nothing except annoy him.

 

Jared didn’t say anything though. He knew that Jensen was just trying to help.

 

Meals between them were quiet, and not the comfortable kind of silence. Jared couldn’t help wondering if it had been such a good idea to move back in with Jensen, even though it had been exactly what he had wanted. They had forgotten how to act around each other.

 

What made things worse was knowing that he hadn’t told Jensen the full story yet. He would though. He was going to have to. He just hoped that Jensen would keep his word and not run out on him again.

 

*****

 

He was running a hand over his belly nervously. It was his first appointment with the psychologist. He was glad that Jensen had agreed to come to these sessions with him. He was sure he’d be more of a basket case if Jensen wasn’t resting his hand on Jared’s knee. Even with the awkwardness at home, Jared still relished in the comfort that Jensen brought to this appointment. It actually made him feel like things were more normal between them.

 

The door to the office opened. “Jared Padelecki?” Jared stood and so did Jensen. “I’m Dr. Harris,” the man introduced himself, holding out his hand to Jared. He turned to Jensen. “And you must be Jensen Ackles.” He held out his hand for Jensen as well. “Well, if the two of you will follow me.”

 

They walked into a very comfortable looking office and sat on the couch together. Dr. Harris was watching the both of them and smiling. “Jared, from what the doctor at the hospital told me, you know what had lead you down this path of self destruction. Why don’t you tell me about it.”

 

Jared took in a deep breath. This was why he was here. It was finally time to get the story out, the whole story. He had warned Jensen that there were parts he hadn’t heard yet. Jensen had told him that it was okay and they would work through all of it together.

 

“Nine years ago I met Jensen at an audition for a commercial. We hit it off instantly. There were sparks, you might say. Anyway, we fell into bed together. He was my first. We were safe. We used a condom. I had to leave the next morning though. I didn’t want to and I’m pretty sure Jensen didn’t want me to. We didn’t exchange phone numbers or anything though. I’m not sure why. I guess maybe because I was in high school. That was why I had to leave. I had to go back to school.” Jared paused and drank some of the water that had been left for him.

 

“I wanted you to stay. Not a day went by that I didn’t regret not having a way to get in touch with you. I didn’t dare try and track you down though. I didn’t know what your parents would think.” Jensen had spoken just above a whisper. Jared turned to look at him and he looked so sad. 

 

That hadn’t been necessary, but it was nice to hear. Jared knew all of that now, but he hadn’t known back then, and he knew that was part of why he slid so far so fast. He reached out and squeezed Jensen’s hand. “I know.” Jensen smiled at him and Jared turned his attention back to the doctor, keeping Jensen’s hand in his own. He was going to need it.

 

“I went home and went back to my life, trying to forget about my night with Jensen. It wasn’t easy. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Then I started getting sick in the morning. It didn’t click, not then. So after a week of throwing up I finally told my mother and she took me to the doctor. He told me I was pregnant.” Jared snorted. “My mom demanded that he test me again. The same results came back, of course. She was furious. She dragged me out of there and didn’t talk to me the entire way home. When we got home she told my dad.”

 

Jared paused here, trying to gather his thoughts and his courage. This is where things had started falling apart. This is where he had begun seeing a side of his family he hadn’t known existed. It still hurt. There was still an ache inside of him that he had never been able to quell. It had started to ease when he and Jensen had first gotten together, but then Jensen had kicked him out. Jensen was trying to make things right, and so was Jared, but it wasn’t something that happened overnight. This was something they had to work hard at, and as much as Jared wanted to, he was just so tired.

 

“I realized things that day about my family that I didn’t know were possible. They were upset about the pregnancy, yes, but they were more upset by the fact that I had had sex with a guy. My dad yelled for what felt like hours and called me names and told me he didn’t raise some sissy.” Jared let out a shuddering breath and Jensen squeezed his hand. “My mom didn’t say much but she nodded right along with my dad. I was in shock. I thought for sure they would be pissed about the pregnancy. What parent wouldn’t be? I was only sixteen. I thought they would kick me out because I was gay and because I was pregnant. I think that would have been preferable.”

 

Tears started streaming down Jared’s face and Jensen unlinked their hands so he could wrap his arms around him. He buried his face in Jensen’s neck and tried desperately to get himself under control. He hadn’t even made it to the worst part yet. Jensen rubbed his back soothingly and after quite a few minutes had passed, Jared felt that he was able to talk again. When he pulled away from Jensen he could see tears in his eyes. And he was about to make it worse.

 

“My brother was in school to be a doctor. He had access to medical equipment. I don’t know how he got his hands on it. He shouldn’t have been able to, he shouldn’t have been able to bring it home. I don’t know what he did. I’m not even sure he had the proper equipment. They drugged me. My own bed. They did it in my own damn bed. My family.”

 

Jared should have been crying right then. Hell, he should have been bawling like a baby right then. He didn’t though. It made him realize just how horribly broken he really was, and how much he and Jensen were going to have to get through if they ever wanted this to work. Jensen was holding him tightly and crying though. “I didn’t know, Jared. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know and I never even gave you the chance to explain.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I’m so sorry, but we’ll get through this. I know it’s going to take time, but we _will_ get through this. And hopefully one day you can forgive me.”

 

Jared didn’t answer him. He just let Jensen hold him. Jensen was right. They would get through this. Everything was out in the open now. They could work through it all. And maybe Jared could finally put the past behind him.

 

*****

 

Jared tossed and turned but sleep continued to allude him. He was very aware of Jensen sleeping in the room down the hall. They had talked extensively after the therapy appointment and now Jared was completely drained, and yet he continued to not find sleep. 

 

He tossed the covers off of him and dragged himself out of bed. Despite the fact that they were going to take things slow so they could rebuild their relationship, Jared had a thought that he would sleep a lot better in Jensen’s bed. 

 

He worried that he might wake Jensen up, but he shouldn’t have been. When he got to Jensen’s room the bedside lamp was on and Jensen was reading. He looked up at Jared’s approach. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

 

Jared shrugged “Can’t sleep.”

 

“Yeah, me neither.” He pulled back the covers in open invitation to Jared. He hesitated, even though this was the reason that he had come to Jensen’s room. “Don’t worry. I’ll stay on my side of the bed.”

 

“I know. I’m just not sure if this is a good idea.”

 

“If it will help you sleep, then it is.”

 

Jared could understand Jensen’s logic. He just wanted what was best for Jared. He just wanted Jared to be happy and healthy. He just wanted to take care of Jared. More than anything, he wanted to fix things with Jared.

 

He climbed into bed next to Jensen and tried to get settled. Jensen put his book down and turned out the light. Jared found that he just couldn’t get comfortable. He tried every position his pregnant belly would allow but nothing worked. Beside him Jensen sighed and then fumbled around in his nightstand drawer.

 

“Lie down on your back and lift your shirt above your stomach.”

 

Jared looked at him questioningly.

 

“Please,” Jensen pleaded. Jared shifted and the lifted up his shirt as asked. “Thank you. I just want to help.”

 

In the dark Jared made out what looked like Jensen pouring some lotion into his hand and then rubbing his hands together. He dropped his hands to Jared’s belly and began rubbing. Jared let out a little whimper, and then closed his eyes and sighed. 

 

This was nice. This was soothing. This was exactly what he needed. He felt himself drifting off as Jensen continued to rub his belly.

 

*****

 

Jared woke up to the sun shining and an empty bed. He vaguely remembered Jensen getting ready for work and then leaving him with a kiss on the cheek, telling him to call if he needed anything. He yawned and stretched, and would have stayed comfortably on the bed if he didn’t have to pee. 

 

Normally he would be frustrated by that. but he felt good, he felt really good. He hadn’t slept that well in a long time. He didn’t know if it was the belly rub or sleeping in bed with Jensen or a combination of both. 

 

After taking care of morning necessities, he headed out to the kitchen for some food. He saw that Jensen had cooked and all Jared would need to do was heat up the dish. He didn’t know why, but it made him smile. It wasn’t something that Jensen hadn’t done for him before. It felt different this time though. Maybe they were finally working their way back to the way things should be between them.

 

Jared whistled as he heated up his food. He took it into the living room and got comfortable on the couch, turning on the TV and finding a movie that would keep him entertained for a while. 

 

*****

 

A hand on his shoulder shaking him gently woke him. “Hey sleeping beauty,” Jensen’s smiling face said from above him.

 

“What time is it? What are you doing here?” Jared asked, blinking rapidly and rubbing a hand over his face, trying to lose the last vestiges of sleep.

 

“It’s not even noon yet. I came home to have lunch with you. Hope that’s okay.” Jensen leaned in and kissed his cheek. Jared turned his head so that their lips met, but he pulled away quickly, keeping the kiss brief. It had been enough though. Jensen’s smile grew even wider. “Stay here and I’ll bring lunch to you.” Jensen didn’t even give him a chance to answer, he just walked off towards the kitchen.

 

Jared didn’t know what the difference was, but for the first time in a long time he felt loved. He hadn’t even felt this loved when they had started sleeping together. It gave Jared hope that things between him and Jensen weren’t completely destroyed after all. 

 

After a few more minutes, Jensen came back to the living room with a tray of food for them. He had made sandwiches and soup for lunch. They ate in silence, Jared already having turned off the television. It was a comfortable silence though and Jared continued feeling relaxed and even happy. 

 

They finished their food and Jensen took their dishes into the kitchen. When he sat back down on the couch with Jared, he sat right next to him instead of on the opposite end of the couch. “Thanks for last night,” Jared whispered.

 

Jensen took Jared’s hand in his own and squeezed. “My pleasure.”

 

Jared sighed and rested his head on Jensen’s shoulder. “I slept really well last night. I don’t want to make things hard for you but it would be nice if we could keep doing this.”

 

Jensen kissed the top of his head. “It’s okay. I slept really well too. We can share a bed and not have sex. We’re adults.”

 

Jared snorted. “You make it sound so easy.”

 

“Isn’t it though? I mean, do you really feel like having sex right now?”

 

Jared sighed. “No, I really don’t. Good point.”

 

“I have to get back to work. We can talk more tonight if you want, okay?”

 

Jared nodded and Jensen stood up. He leaned in to give Jared a chaste kiss, then left him there to go back to work. Jared sank back into the couch more comfortably. Lunch had gone surprisingly well. It was as if they hadn’t been separated for months. It was as if the awkwardness of the weeks between the hospital and therapy hadn’t been there. They were slowly making their way back to familiar territory. They still had issues they needed to work out, but they were going to make it. 

 

Smiling, Jared turned the television back on to kill some time before Jensen came back home.

 

*****

 

They had just finished a huge dinner that Jensen had made and were heading to the bedroom to settle in for the night. They took their turns in the bathroom and then sat side by side in Jensen’s bed. Jensen put the news on and then pulled Jared to him. They shifted so that Jared was sitting between Jensen’s legs and Jensen began massaging his back.

 

Jared practically purred under the touch, especially when Jensen wound his arms around Jared and began rubbing his belly. He let himself settle against Jensen, hoping he wasn’t squishing him too badly. Jensen seemed perfectly content though and continued lazily rubbing Jared’s belly.

 

“Let me know if I start getting too heavy for you.”

 

“Mmph.” Jensen was too busy nosing at his neck to really answer Jared. Jared let him. He didn’t seem to be trying for anything sexual. It seemed to be more soothing instead, the barest of kisses being places on his neck and his jaw. Jared sighed and snuggled even further into Jensen. Sleep came easily.

 

*****

 

“Just a few more days left. Are you nervous?”

 

He and Jensen were lounging in bed, pigging out on ice cream. 

 

Jared spent a few minutes thinking about it before finally answering. “I’m not sure, actually. I’m glad for the pregnancy to finally be over but I’m scared that I’m going to be a terrible parent. I don’t exactly have the best role models. And I’m terrified that the birth is going to be hard.”

 

Jensen put down his ice cream and wrapped his arms around Jared. “I can’t promise you that the birth is going to be easy because I don’t know. I can promise you that I’ll be there with you every step of the way. And you’re nothing like your family. You’re going to be a great father. My baby is lucky to have such a great father.”

 

Jared felt tears in his eyes. “Thanks.”

 

Jensen took Jared’s ice cream from him and placed it on the nightstand with his own. He laid Jared down on the bed and followed him down, rubbing a hand along his belly and leaving kisses on his cheek. Jared sighed and reached out his arm so he could wrap it around Jensen. Jensen lifted up so Jared could get it under him and then shifted as close as possible to Jared.

 

Jared whimpered and tried to pull Jensen even closer. He needed the contact right now. He needed the comfort. He turned his head so he could capture Jensen’s lips. Jensen responded eagerly, slipping his tongue past Jared’s lips. Jared sighed into the kiss. Things still weren’t perfect between them, but they were getting there and neither of them would be giving up. 

 

He was really starting to relax when he felt something damp between his legs. He opened his eyes in surprise. “I think my water just broke,” he murmured against Jensen’s lips. Jensen pulled back and looked at him. “Seriously?”

 

Jared looked down at himself and he knew Jensen was following his gaze. “Time to get you to the hospital.”

 

Jensen sounded oddly calm, though his actions suggested otherwise. He was out of bed and changing clothes and generally just making a mess of things. Jared was glad they had packed for this a while ago. He dragged himself out of bed while Jensen was running around doing who knows what. He slipped into his shoes and headed to the front door and stood there until Jensen finally realized he was no longer in the bedroom.

 

Jensen drove calmly to the hospital, thankfully, and they were shown to a private room immediately, again thankfully.

 

Jensen sat on the bed next to him and rubbed his belly. The contractions hadn’t been bad so far and Jared actually felt kind of relaxed. Although that was probably helped along by Jensen rubbing his belly. He gripped Jensen’s hand through another contraction while Jensen used his other to still rub his stomach. The contraction passed easily and Jared released his grip on Jensen’s hand.

 

The next time the doctor came to check on him, he announced that Jared was ready to give birth. He and Jensen looked at each other. “Seriously? Already?”

 

The doctor chuckled. “Yes, you are definitely ready. You’re lucky, Jared. I think this is going to be an easy birth.”

 

And it was. Jared had barely felt any pain before their son screamed his way into the world. Jensen was on the bed next to him as the doctor handed Jared their son. Jared felt tears streaming down his face, and when Jensen pressed in against him, he could feel tears on Jensen’s face as well. 

 

Jensen reached out an arm to wrap around Jared and the baby. “He’s perfect. We still need a name for him though.”

 

Jared laughed. “Actually, I have one. How about Aiden James?”

 

“Aiden James Ackles-Padelecki. That’s a mouthful.”

 

“Yeah, well anything is going to be a mouthful with Padelecki.”

 

“True. I like it. Aiden.”

 

Jensen placed a kiss to Jared’s temple. It was a perfect moment and Jared would never forget it.

 

*****

 

Jared was dozing when Jensen brought in their crying son. “Someone is hungry.”

 

“Someone is always hungry,” Jared groused.

 

Jensen sat down next to him and kissed him before handing over their son. “You just take care of feeding him and I’ll take care of burping him.”

 

Jared hissed when their son started suckling, but soon relaxed into it. Jensen sat next to him running his fingers through Jared’s hair, trying to soothe him. It worked, but only to a certain extent. Jared was exhausted and just wanted out of the hospital already. They wouldn’t be leaving until tomorrow though.

 

Jensen took Aiden from him when he had finished feeding and ran his hand along his back to burp him. Jensen put him down to sleep once he had finished and then turned to Jared. “You should sleep while Aiden is asleep, okay?”

 

“Will you stay with me?”

 

Jensen laid in the bed with Jared and wrapped an arm around him. “Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

 

Jared didn’t need much more than that before he was asleep in Jensen’s arms.

 

*****

 

Jared could hear low voices talking. Jensen was still pressed against him, but he was talking to someone. The voice sounded familiar. It took him a minute but finally he recognized it. The voice belonged to Chris. 

 

He wanted to say hi to Chris, to thank him for everything he had done, but he didn’t want to intrude. Jensen and Chris may have had some unfinished business.

 

Jensen kissed the top of his head. “I know you’re awake. You can stop pretending.”

 

Jared opened his eyes and smiled. “I just wanted to give you two a chance to talk if you needed it.”

 

“It’s okay. We’ve talked. He’s kind of been here for a while already. Guess you really needed the sleep.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“How ya doin’, Jared?”

 

Jared smiled at Chris. “I’m good. How have you been?”

 

“Can’t complain. Congratulations, by the way. He’s beautiful.”

 

Jared beamed. “Thanks.”

 

“So it looks like you two finally sorted things out.”

 

Jared and Jensen looked at each other and smiled. “We’re still working on it, but we’re getting there.”

 

Chris smiled at the two of them. “Well I’ll be leaving you to it.” Chris walked out leaving Jared and Jensen with Aiden. 

 

“He’s with someone now.”

 

“Just how long was I asleep for?”

 

Jensen chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’ll fill you in on everything.”

 

Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen and buried his face in his neck. “I love you.”

 

Jensen wound his arms around Jared and kissed the top of his head. “I love you too.”

 

And in the privacy of their hospital room with their son sleeping peacefully beside them, Jared finally felt that everything was okay and there could be such a thing as happily ever after. 


End file.
